Wednesday, September 22, 2010

When friends don't like your blog.

I'm writing a blog post about how I'm not supposed to write blog posts. It's hard to even know where to begin.

I've shared my feelings this entire journey because it helped me. It helped others. I talked a few times about feeling abandoned, alone. Never mentioning names. Never mentioning individual circumstances. Being respectful of my friends and family's privacy and taking individual problems privately.

But, I tossed and turned and woke up like ever ten minutes last night so upset.

It became obvious one friend wasn't even going to attempt to try to see where I was coming from. Had decided to view my journey through a selfish lense.

I've talked to the friend maybe a handful of times since Cora died. Partly because the phone is hard since she died.

Of all conversations to share, sharing that one is perhaps that most uncomfortable. But, I feel drawn to talk about it. He told me that he didn't think my blogging was appropriate. Didn't agree with how I'd shared things online.

I'm writing to make something super clear. Unless I'm seriously hurting myself? Don't tell me how I chose to grieve, my doing so very publicly, is wrong.

And, to make something very clear. No one except Ben and I has any say about how I chose to remember Cora.

No one will tell me something I'm doing for her is inappropriate. Or not right, or even that they don't agree with it. I can't tell people not to form opinions, but wish I could, because I'd tell them they couldn't even form an opinion about rather I'm remembering her the right way.

I also share this to share something another blogger told me about the loss of friendships that happens so often after loss:

"Grieving exposes other fault lines." 

It's quite true. Probably why the divorce rate is high for baby loss parents. If there's a problem in your relationship? It's going to become a giant hole after going through this. 

I take solace in that, knowing that the sudden falling out, isn't so sudden. It's like an earthquake rattled my life. The relationships that were strong as cement survived, the ones built less strongly crumbled. 

And, yes, I know, this is the blog post I'm not even supposed to be writing.

But, I blog when I need to. And, today I needed to. Another loss. I can't understand why people refuse to sit back, listen, and even do some research to understand what I'm going through. Had my friend, he'd seen that blogging after loss is ridiculously normal, that I'm being normal, and that telling someone how to remember their dead child is well, just unreasonable, rude, and something I can't tolerate.

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