Saturday, August 21, 2010

Rock Bottom

I feel like I've hit rock bottom of the hole I fell in sometime earlier this month. I wrote about it, feeling like I was a tunnel. Today has been the worst. Everything is such an effort. Honestly, don't even know how I'm even writing this blog post, except it's all I can do.

Poor Ben, I just took two hours to give him an answer about what to eat. I can't leave the house, it's too much.

I feel so behind in all my responsibilities, but oh so tired. My muscles ache.

I'm okay though. Stable. I know all of you worry.

Something tells me today is the worst of it. The darkest. I can't even think straight. The fog is heavy.

I'm giving in to today. I'm not pushing myself.

Tomorrow, I have plans. Waking up at a decent time, getting out of the house. But, I'm giving myself today. Sometimes you just have to.

I know it's depression. Rather it's postpartum from birthing a child, or depression because of her death, or a mixture of all.

I feel almost lucky that I've had depressive episodes before. It's a bit less scary at least knowing what I'm going through. I feel really, really, really lucky to feel hope despite of all this. I know beautiful things will come. I held and cuddled and kissed true beauty. It gets me through this.

Monday, I'll make phone calls and drag myself to doctor's offices. Today, I give in.
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