I feel like I've hit rock bottom of the hole I fell in sometime earlier this month. I wrote about it, feeling like I was a tunnel. Today has been the worst. Everything is such an effort. Honestly, don't even know how I'm even writing this blog post, except it's all I can do.
Poor Ben, I just took two hours to give him an answer about what to eat. I can't leave the house, it's too much.
I feel so behind in all my responsibilities, but oh so tired. My muscles ache.
I'm okay though. Stable. I know all of you worry.
Something tells me today is the worst of it. The darkest. I can't even think straight. The fog is heavy.
I'm giving in to today. I'm not pushing myself.
Tomorrow, I have plans. Waking up at a decent time, getting out of the house. But, I'm giving myself today. Sometimes you just have to.
I know it's depression. Rather it's postpartum from birthing a child, or depression because of her death, or a mixture of all.
I feel almost lucky that I've had depressive episodes before. It's a bit less scary at least knowing what I'm going through. I feel really, really, really lucky to feel hope despite of all this. I know beautiful things will come. I held and cuddled and kissed true beauty. It gets me through this.
Monday, I'll make phone calls and drag myself to doctor's offices. Today, I give in.