Sunday, August 8, 2010

I hoped this wouldn't happen... I'm a kid hater.

Hi, I'm Kristine, and apparently, I'm a child hater.

Don't know when it happened, but I can't look at them right now. It's so painful.

I fought this. I didn't want this to happen.

In the months after Cora died, being around kids didn't bother me so much. I even held a newborn a few weeks after she died.

But, now I hold back tears. Being around children, especially little girls is pure torture. I think it's why I fled New York. All those kids. I can't do it.

And, when a baby cries in public, my heart gets smashed. 

Only, I love kids. I always have. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I don't want to feel tears run to my eyes every time I see or hear a child.

I hope this too, shall pass.

And, the worst part? I don't know how to fix it.

Don't know how to get over it.


  1. I'm so sorry for your pain.

    Praying for healing and peace.

  2. I know what you mean. I don't think you hate kids, babies. You hate that its not YOURS. I'm the same way. And I think in the beginning, we are so in shock with our situation that it doesn't compute yet- I even held a baby of a friend of mine when I was still in the hospital after my c-section! (I also held that same baby after Valentina's funeral- making every single person in the room start crying, oy.) I find it MUCH harder to see babies now, almost 15 weeks post, than I did in the beginning. :( <3

  3. While I can not imagine the depth of you and your husband's heartache... after reading your post I don't think that you hate kids.

    I think that your heart hurts and that you can't help but wonder what if and yearn for the things that you dreamed of...

    I do know that loss of loved one hits you deep and hard--and there will always be things that trigger those feelings. With the support and love of those around you-it will get little easier in time. I experienced a traumatic loss in my family several years ago, and the help of a grief counselor and support group helped me immensely.

    Sending thoughts of healing and peace your way...

  4. I know it is not close to comparable, but I most definitely felt this way when I had my miscarriage. I STILL feel this way a little when I see twins (since Austin was a twin). It won't ever go away I suppose, but it gets better. At least in the capacity that I experienced it.
    No one (that is in their right mind) would ever expect you NOT to feel this way, and I can't believe it has taken this long for you to feel it. You're such a great person and it's absolutely totally understandable for you to have a hard time being around children, little girls, babies...
    And I for one, will not be upset if you need to take a baby break. I think it would help. We're always here for you and we love you :)

  5. I think this might be part of the grieving process; I lost my
    dad a few months ago unexpectedly, and it hurts rinses little girls with their daddies. Sometime I just cry and cry when I witness a duo holding hands. I know it's a different ache and loss for you, sweet friend, but I think grieving in general shares a lot of commonality. All this to say, I sort of understand along the lines of what you are feeling when you see those little ones. It's a reminder of your loss. And all that to say I, too, hope it passes for you and for me.

  6. my heart aches for you and I wish I could find the magic words to make your ache go away. I can't begin to understand your feelings but I do know I admire your courage and I appreciate your honesty! I hope brighter days are ahead for you . Take care my friend.

  7. I have felt the same since my most recent miscarriage. I know your grief is very much different, but I understand. I have a hard time seeing pregnant women.

    Sending you love, hugs and prayers!

  8. Kristine,

    I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. ((hug)) I can't imagine what it must feel like.

    I'm so sorry that I didn't get to meet you and give you a big hug.



  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...